If your daughter won't speak to you, would you continue to send her birthday / christmas cards?

my daughter won't speak to me because she says i bullied/neglected her as a chil.d. i sent her a lot of money one birthday. she never thanked me and still doesn't want contact. i've stopped bothering sending cards. i heard through a relative that my daughter has complained that i don't send her stuff any more. what's the point when the effort is not reciprocated?

If your daughter won't speak to you, would you continue to send her birthday / christmas cards?
well, let me try to give you a little perspective where your daughter is coming from. It sounds like there are some deep wounds between the two of you, and she's having a hard time healing from them. Although she's reacting badly by pushing you away, it's not that she doesn't care about you (clearly, otherwise she wouldn't have complained to a relative) instead it's just that she doesn't know how to cope.





She feels that she was hurt by you, and she wants you to make it up to her. She wants to pull away and she wants evidence that your love for her is unconditional in spite of her pulling away. Its almost like she's testing you - how easily can she get you to stop loving her? So if you stop contacting her when she stops acknowledging, she'll take it as more evidence that you don't really love her very much, and she will be all the more hurt. Whereas if you continue to reach out no matter what, this will be comforting to her that nothing can erase a mother's love, even if there have been problems and wounds.





I don't know if that makes sense. Its like she feels that you hurt her, and now she wants you to work to get her back. She wants you to prove yourself to her, she wants to be kind of "hard to get" and she wants to see how much effort you will go to, in order to claim her back. The question in her mind is, how much am I worth to you?





You don't need to send stuff, or money, though. Please do keep sending cards at least. I'd also suggest letters. I'd also maybe, if it isn't too hard, pick up the phone at regular intervals - first sunday of every month? Holidays? Birthdays? Even if she doesn't answer, leave a message, tell her you miss her and you're thinking about her and hope to talk to her soon.





Even if she takes a while to start to respond to this contact, you will be comforting her in a deep way by letting her know that you miss her and haven't forgotten that she is your daughter.





I am not condoning what she is doing by the way. She is wrong to cut you off like that and I'm sorry for the rejection you're facing - I think children often expect their parents to forever be the mature "adult" and children expect that even when they reach adulthood, it's still their right to play that part of the pouting, tantrum-ing child. Children don't realize that as they reach adulthood, it becomes their responsibility to play an adult role in their relationships too. She's still acting the part of the pouting child, waiting for mommy to make it better. But, that's where she's coming from, and the best thing you can do is realize the pain behind it. Also to realize that no matter what else, she is DEEPLY impacted by her perception of your love or lack thereof, and needs it deeply, even when she seems to discard it. Even if she rejects your efforts from here on out, take comfort in the fact that you ARE making a difference to her if you reach out to her, even when she ignores you. You'd be doing the right thing and taking the high road, and it will go a long ways to healing the hurts of the past. Family is forever and I really think it isn't too late to heal things with you and your daughter - obviously you both still have a very deep attachment to each other which will never go away entirely.
Reply:No!





She is willing to accept your gifts but not you. Something is wrong with that in my book..
Reply:stop sending her gifts





give a call and try to iron things out with her





and while in the process try and remind her of the meaning of the word FORGIVENESS
Reply:If you send cards to other people, then certainly you should send them to your daughter. She will grow up one of these days, and you want to "keep the door open" for when that happens!
Reply:send the card with little or no money
Reply:Hey dude, dont stop sending her gifts. She does not reply, OK. That does not mean she does not want it. She is a bit depressed. I'll suggest that u personaly meet her and tell her about the reason u could not look after her properly in childhood. Ask for forgiveness and give her lots of love. I believe she will change herself.
Reply:you should send her even if she doesnt speak. at one point of life she will forget all the past and try to patch up
Reply:wow I have wondered the same so many times as some of my children decided not to have anything to do with me when I left their father and later started a relationship with another woman. My children don't agree with same sex relationships so for the past three years have had little to do with me. I missed my children so much and it hurt me deeply. I did continue to send gifts as I still love them as much as I ever had / have.


then just tonight after three years I just spent an hour with my daughter as I have just returned from overseas and had gifts for them all. I don't want to buy their love back again but will do anything to try and keep in their lives. I just hope that by persevering that they will eventually accept me for who I am.


I say keep sending gifts and incidentals not just for birthdays but just because you love her and want her to know you are thinking of her and that as a mother you still love her and want to be part of her life.


I wish you well and know your pain well , too well.


I can say i feel so blessed to have just spent the last hour with my beautiful girl.
Reply:I belive that you should still send her cards. She will always be your daughter nomatter what. Tell her that you have changed since she was younger. Tell her that you love her. Tell her that your sorry. email me. tell me how it went. grillo121@yahoo.com
Reply:Send her cards. Put a message on the card that you still love her no matter what. You could donate to a charity in her name and tell her that since you aren't sure she wants any gifts from you that you will do it that way.
Reply:Don't send cards, gifts or money. She needs to grow up and appreciate you for who you are.
Reply:send her cards , but no money, she is just using you in that way, but do send cards , when she *matures* she will come around. and more than likely will want you in her life. she just has to grow up, best of luck
Reply:Keep trying but not monetarily.


Just let her know you love her no matter what.
Reply:I am very sorry to tell you that, it is your mistake, that, you have not given her proper manners or religious home work.


If you would have trained her on that base, then, she would have definitely known the importance of mother in her life.


Sorry again !
Reply:No I wouldn't bother sending her cards anymore. If she didn't even bother to say thank you for the money then why keep sending it. She sound very self centred to complain to relatives you don't send anything anymore!
Reply:Do u know for sure that she even receives the cards and money? Just keep sending at least u know u've tried...
Reply:Just continuw to send her stuffs and specially to greet her on her birthdays and send her cards during special occassions because there'll always comes a time when she will thin k that she has still a family who loves her despite of what had happened. Time can heal all wounds and time can forget all the pains. Love is the greatest after all she is still your daughter and you are still her mother. The daughter can forget the mother but a mother can never forget her daughter no matter what pains that had happened to both. There is always room for reconciliation. WE must just ask God through Jesus Christ for guidance so that He will direct our path . With God everything is possible.
Reply:You need to send her a card for Christmas, and write in it "I have enclosed a cheque for £50 for you to buy something special for yourself"





But,





You don't put the cheque in. Bet you the £50 you will get a reply then!!





To be serious, yes, you keep sending her a card. She is your daughter and we are a short time alive and a long time dead.
Reply:Of course i would it doesent matter if a parents daughter won't speak to the parent.Your child is your child i would allways send my daughter a christmas or birthday card.
Reply:this is tricky. i'd go with sending another card with a letter about how much you miss her, no money. maybe she misses you and is willing to talk to you now. if she doesn't reply take it as a no. she has your address and leave the next move to her. if she never contacts you, you'll know her comment was just to see if you'll send more money.
Reply:Send her cards and letters but forget about all the monetary things-she wants to know that you really love her.





I have lots of exp. with troubled kids too Ellen if you want to talk more. She sounds like she needs to grow up some and will eventually, these things take time. Is she still a teenager??
Reply:dont bother if you want to lose her or she is ungrateful. otherwise sent her a card and tell her how you feel as a mother. good luck
Reply:NO
Reply:I under stand how you feel. I am going through the same thing. For me i would keep sending cards.
Reply:IF she's your daughter..you should be loving her just the same..even without reciprocation. Period.


We are instructed to love even our enemies..and we are talking about your daughter !
Reply:She may not be ready to talk to you yet, but if you stop sending her things, she'll feel like you've forgotten or don't care about her anymore. She was in control as long as you were making the effort because she had the power to decide if she would reciprocate or not. But when you took it back, it upset her. But whether she ever does reciprocate is up to her. You'll have the peace of mind that at least you tried. Keep trying. If she's complaining about you not sending her things, maybe there's still a chance she'll come around. Don't lose faith; anything's possible.
Reply:Yes you should sent her gifts, that way she will remember you still think of her.
Reply:The point is not what is in those cards ie: money... the point is making the effort to keep trying to communicate with her. My advise would be for YOU to seek councelling on how to deal with this issue. If it is true that you bullied her or neglected her, then the onus is on YOU to make this sitaution right...why should she reciprocate anything to you????
Reply:she is you child no matter what an if you care for her sending a card is not much work.. i know that her not caring an not wanting to talk or see you is hard, tho you must understand it is hard for us to see how someone feels about ourselves when we don't know how they think or shut down to what they say an maybe not saying you do but don't want to believe how they feel.


I'm not saying you have to send money but sending a card on a birthday or Xmas leaves the door open if she ever changes her mind
Reply:I would still send the cards. Just make sure they are heart felt messages.


If you wanted you could also buy her presents (Birthday %26amp; Christmas) but don't send them, but when she talks to you again.... then you could invite her over or go to her place and give them to her. That way she cannot say you were not thinking of her all this time!





Life is such a delicate thing, and can be cut short at any time!
Reply:That depends. DID you bully/neglect her as a child? If you did then you should apologize in whatever way she needs you to and accept the fact that you did something that you can not take back. She will probably forever resent you for taking away the happy childhood that every child deserves no matter what you do.


If she's not speaking to you then why would you expect a response when you send her a lot of money? Did you think that that would make up for the abuse that she feels she has suffered? She probably felt you were trying to buy her forgiveness which cheapens the hurt that she feels you have caused her. The fact that you expected a reply seems to me that you were trying to buy a response from her.


If you love her and want to send her a card, then do. But, if your relationship is so bad, you may just cause her more hurt by reminding her every holiday/bday by sending a card that she still isn't able to have a good relationship with you.


Unless she's completely nuts-o you probably did do something to her to make her feel this way. Maybe you should reflect on that and if you come to understand why she's upset with you and can show her that you understand (whether you agree or not) then she may be able to have some sort of relationship with you.